This post is intended especially for the man who is considering marrying a single mom. Oh, I know it's tempting. You want to be the White Knight who swoops in and saves the day for the damsel in distress and her cute little crumb-crunchers...
But it's 2021. We have the internet now. We have the collective wisdom of men who, like me, have already tried what you are contemplating. I know you want to be a step-dad...but I'm here to warn you to take a step back.
I'm going to tell you what's most likely to happen if you insist on marrying a single mother and creating your very own, real live Brady Bunch.
I call it the Blended Family Thrill Ride. It's very similar to those log rides at the amusement parks where you get in the little log boat...and you go around and around...and up and down...you bang around for a while...and then you go up a big hill...until you finally end up being hurled down that big flume at the end...and it's a lot of fun, and your stomach goes up in your throat and everybody screams and gets wet...and it's just a blast. Blended Family life is a lot like that. Allow me to explain.
Now, what do we know? We know that roughly half of first marriages end in divorce. So if you are hell-bent on marrying a second time, it will most likely be to a woman who was married before. She's already been there, done that, and got her some child support and/or alimony. She's already done it to one dude. So she knows how this works. She already knows that the system is set up to favor her. And since she's been married before, she probably has children. Uh-oh. But we'll get to that later.
So sir, first, can I just ask you why you are willing to enter into a contract with someone who already knows that she can get paid from breaking it? She already knows that she can benefit monetarily from ending the marriage and destroying the home...because she's done it once already. Why would you want to hand her a proverbial gun and then just trust her not to use it on you? I know you're probably love-bombed and sex-napped, but why would you be willing to gamble more than half of everything you've ever worked hard to build (and will work hard to build) on the chance that a woman will love you for the rest of your life? We know that men love romantically and women love opportunistically - meaning, a woman's "love" is based on provision, protection and security. Provision is a nice way of saying "money." We also know that the divorce rate for 2nd and 3rd marriages only goes up. So the odds definitely are not in your favor, sir. And yet, you are willing to gamble.
OK, alright...if that's you, please, for the love of God, read on. Because you are about to embark on the Blended Family Thrill Ride. And you're gonna get soaked.
STAGE ONE: LOVE BOMBING
This is the equivalent to the decision to go to the amusement park...purchasing the tickets and the parking online...and walking through that front gate together, holding hands, maybe pausing to pose for a photo. She appreciates the fact that you planned this out and ordered the tickets ("Girl, he's so decisive! My man is a take-charge man!"). She especially appreciates the fact that you paid for everything. She is motivated by provision, so she's all about you paying for the tickets and the parking and the food and the stuffed animal souvenirs.
In real life, this is the dating and engagement stage. And it is about as good as it ever gets.
Sir, you met this woman and decided, for whatever reason, that she was a catch. So you ask out on dates, plan dates, and pay for dates. You pick her up, open doors, give cards and flowers, the whole thing. The chemicals and hormones in both of your brains start having a party. The dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin and norapinephrine are just going crazy. We call this "falling in love." One of you says, "I love you"...and then it's on. She starts love-bombing you (telling you that you're The One and that she can't live without you, showing up at your job with homemade peach cobbler, leaving love notes on your car windshield) and at some point she sex-naps you by showing you a good time one night...or every night. Now, they say that here in the Tinder Hookup/Sex Positive era, this happens right off the bat - that women are out here just giving it away left and right...dropping panties like there's no tomorrow. I wouldn't know...I don't do dating apps and I don't mess around with Millennials or GenZ women, so I can't vouch for any of that. But, one way or another, she sex-naps you, you then start thinking with the wrong head (or stop thinking at all) and you are then no longer able to make rational decisions.
It's like at the amusement park, when she spots a game and starts dropping hints that you should play the game to win her a prize. Ordinarily, you would use logic and reason to figure out that this is a bad idea. You might say, "Well, let's see. These games tend to be rigged to make them extremely difficult. They just want my money. Besides, even if I win, then we have to walk around with a giant stuffed monkey for the rest of the day. And that's going to be a pain. Not to mention the fact that neither one of us needs a giant stuffed monkey. So, no." But do you say that? No way! Because you've been love-bombed and sex-napped. So you say, "Sure, I'll take this opportunity to show my girl how awesome I am at knocking down bottles with a rubber ball!" I hate to break it to you...but that's a simp move, bruh.
Now, you might say to me, "Man, my woman is a tradcon - a traditional conservative. She ain't no 'garden tool,' you know what I'm saying? So she will not try to sex-nap me. We've already talked about it, our faith is important to us, and we're waiting until marriage for the hanky-panky." OK, good luck with that. I'm here to tell you that tradcon women often find a way to sex-nap. In fact, sometimes they're the worst. It might be doing everything but...it might be explicit texts or phone calls...or maybe she just exposes herself to you during a make-out session, you know, just to give you a preview of Coming Attractions. But most of them sex-nap in one way or another.
Since you are the gatekeeper to the relationship, you, sir, will then go ring shopping. You will spend huge money on a engagement ring. You will find a creative, impressive way to ask, and then you will pop the question. And then comes the engagement period. Which leads to Stage Two...
STAGE TWO: GETTING HITCHED
So you both are a little nostalgic about the log ride. So you decide to seek out the log ride and get on that ride together. You see on your trusty amusement park map that it's clear on the other side of the park. That's alright, you are not deterred. You either take the Sky Buckets or the Train ride over to the other side of the park...and there it is! You gladly stand in that line and then you get in that fake fiberglass log first before helping her into it (because you are a chivalrous White Knight, remember?).
The Stage Two equivalent in real life is when you actually get married.
You say to yourself, "I'm nostalgic about marriage and family from all the Disney and rom-com indoctrination I received growing up! I want to rescue this woman from her poor decisions and bad life choices! I want to be a step-dad and raise another man's seed. I'm all in!" This is when you decide to put out ungodly amounts of money for a party that's only going to last a few hours. When she got hitched the first time, her Daddy probably paid for everything. But now this one is on you. (See, there's always a man around to cover these expenses.) You will spring for the invitations, the rehearsal dinner, the bachelor & bachelorette parties, her dress, the venue, the flowers, the minister, the musicians, the videographer, the photographer, the cake, the reception food, the centerpieces...the list is seemingly endless. Oh, and she will come up with hundreds of "cute" ideas via Pinterest. And believe me, "cute" is very expensive. Don't worry, in just a few hours it'll all be over. All of that money will have been wasted.
You need to keep in mind that she has been planning this since she was a little girl. This has to be a fairytale experience. It's her special day. All eyes will be on her. In many cases, she doesn't want a marriage as much as she wants a wedding.
You also need to keep in mind that on this special day, you don't really marry her...you marry the State. The goal of all of this wedding fuss is three-fold: to establish her as Queen for a Day, to impress her friends and family, and, most importantly, to get your name on the contract. And when you say, "I do," at that moment she begins to say, "I'm done." Done with the love-bombing and sex-napping. Not all at once, and certainly not right away...but that's where it starts.
Remember, when the minister says, "I now pronounce you husband and wife," she knows that her allies at the State and down at the Family Court now have her back. For no reason other than she has boobs and you don't. Again, you just gambled more than half of everything you own on the chance that she will love you for the rest of your life. What's the old saying? "It's a woman's prerogative to change her mind."
STAGE THREE: THE HONEYMOONERS
What really needs to be said about the wedding trip? It's great. Everything's fresh and new. This is sort of like when the log ride is just beginning to take off. You look at each other and smile. There's some nervous laughter. It seems like forever ago when you bought the tickets. And after all that time preparing, all that time waiting in line, the ride is finally moving. That's the way the honeymoon is. Except that there's sex. Lots of sex.
STAGE FOUR: KID$
Now the ride starts twisting and turning. Your log "boat" starts banging into the sides of the flume and water starts splashing into your log now and then. It gets a little chaotic and unpredictable. The real life equivalent to this stage is having children around. Always around. Yours, mine and ours. Wholes, halfs and steps all over the place. She already had kids from another man's seed when you got married and chances are the two of you have added to the brood. You know what that means? More hours on the job for you, Mr. Befuddled Beta-Provider! Maybe even a second job...and a side hustle to boot! Because she's going to want a bigger house for all these people. And a big ole yard for a pool and a trampoline. An SUV or mini-van. And pets...kids love pets!
Money will also be needed for clothing, medical bills, insurance, toys, activities, sports, schooling, braces, music lessons, ballet, gymnastics and tumbling, beauty pageants, school trips and vacations, photo shoots...it's endless. I hope you don't get tired during this phase...because everybody's going to be depending on you to work your ass off.
You, sir, will be what we call the Plow Horse. Because she typically will choose a man who makes 150% of what she makes. Or she may want to stay home to raise the kids. If she works, you can just pay daycare workers to raise your kids. The kids will come out the losers, of course, but your wife will FEEL "strong and independent" because she's focusing on her "career," and she won't stop to do the math that what she is making is actually being swallowed up by the daycare bill.
Oh - but the kids will become the absolute center of her world. Well, the kids and the pets. Your role is to just keep those paychecks rolling in. Know your place.
STAGE FIVE: THE TEENAGE BAIT & SWITCH
This is when the boat suddenly stops the fun, lazy trip around the crazy curves and starts climbing a huge hill. You've known it all along...but now you realize for real that you have no control over this plastic log, it's just on a conveyor belt and it's doing the hard work of climbing a giant hill. This part is no fun at all.
In real life, this is the stage when the stepchildren become teenagers.
First thing you need to understand is that your wife is not going to want you to have any role in disciplining "her" children. You can take them to school, take them on vacations, buy them gifts, help with their school work and activities, you just can't have any say in how they are raised...not really. These kids that loved you when they were small will pick up on this and they will begin to say "you're not my daddy and you don't tell me what to do." They will forget all the things that you did for them when you came in like the White Knight. They will become irrationally and inexplicably angry (because they are CODs - children of divorce). Your wife will try to discount and minimize the negative effects of her first divorce on the kids, but those effects were like little time-delayed bombs that were planted deep inside the kids. Those bombs don't typically go off until they are in their mid-teens. They will probably have "daddy issues" or "abandonment issues" related to Mommy's previous marriage and possibly even fertility issues (lots of kids these days are conceived through alternative methods and they often end up discovering this at an early age). It's at this point that they may claim to not believe in God and may seem to renounce everything you taught them. They may begin to slam doors, throw things, break things and even curse you to your face.
Now, your wife, their mother, at first, is gonna seem to have your back. But then she's going to turn on you. She will excuse the bad behavior by saying, "Well, they're just kids." She will recommend that you go to counseling. Now, this is a waste of your time and money, because it always ends up being two against one. It's called "counseling" but it's really just a chance for your wife and the counselor to take a bunch of whacks at a pinata. And you, sir, will be that pinata.
Your wife will stop defending you to her kids. She will not give you any credit for all the things you have done, money you have spent and sacrifices you have made. She will talk bad about you to the kids behind your back. Once she does that, it's game over. At that point, the kids will never respect you again because they are going to follow Mommy's lead. They will say, "Fine, I'll just go live with my Daddy." So they go live with the your wife's ex across town, and everything calms down at your house. It's back to just you, your wife, and the kids that you two made together, and the stress level goes way down.
Your wife stops complaining, stops calling therapists, and stops threatening to separate. And you think you survived a major difficulty and now you've come out fine on the other side. As Lee Corso would say, "Not so fast." Back at our log ride, this is that calm little part at the top of the hill. The view is magnificent and it's peaceful. For just a few seconds.
STAGE SIX: YOUR WIFE'S BAIT & SWITCH
Suddenly, your fiberglass log goes over the top of that hill and plunges downward at what seems like 100 mph. And you are utterly powerless to stop it. Welcome to the Bait & Switch, Wife Edition.
During this bait and switch, your wife is going to become frustrated and disgruntled. All of the kids are teenagers now and she has all the babies that she wants. She knows that fertility years are waving bye bye, so she begins to close up shop. She may even weaponize her vagina and use bedroom fun as a reward or withhold it as punishment. The kids are older now and if they have a bedroom anywhere near your bedroom, you can forget it. You and your wife are just roommates now.
During the bait and switch, your wife comes out of the closet as a feminist of sorts. It could be that your wife is just finally reacting and responding to 50+ years of feminist propaganda that has slowly overtaken academia, big tech, her social circles, her women's magazines, Hollywood, the political world, and even the Church. You may say, "But my wife was a TradCon!" Doesn't matter. Either she herself will succumb (somewhat) to the prevailing winds of feminism that are blowing through the culture like a category 5 hurricane, or somebody will get in her ear and cause her to be frustrated and displeased with her lot in life. She'll succumb to comparison and envy as she looks at the carefully curated, positive portrayals of her friends' lives on social media. If the two of you agreed that she should be a full-time wife and mother, she may start saying things like, "I wish I had focused on my career," or "I want to start my own business," or "I regret not going to college," and "I need to find myself." She may stop cooking and cleaning and taking care of the family. She'll probably go get a credit card in just her name because, "I need to establish my credit." She might get a job and all the time she used to spend on the family will be spent on her job or her company. Now, if she starts her own business, she will lean on you heavily to help her do all of the things that are needed to get that started, including spending your money and tapping into your talents to get it done. But any money that she makes from the business will go into a new private, personal account that she will open just in her name. And don't ask about that, because you won't be privy to that and she will not answer any of your questions. Every dime you ever made alway went into a joint account, and you always handed it all to her to spend as she saw fit on behalf of the entire family. You had no fun money, not even an allowance from your own paychecks. Your money was her money. Well, now, her money is going to be her money, too.
During the bait & switch, she will start wanting to do girls' nights out. Either with her friends from work or church or wherever. No more date nights with you. Also, trips. Trips with her grown kids from the other man's seed, not with you. Or maybe trips to go see the kids from the other man's seed. Flights. Maybe even cross-country flights. Lots of them. Because she needs "space." And because they are her world.
At this point The Wall is going to start to appear. Wrinkles. Grey hair. Stuff starts draggin' and saggin.' Stuff ain't as tight as it used to be. Stuff starts gettin' dry and dusty. But she doesn't care because she's tired of you, anyway. Menopause sets in. Hot flashes. The crazy factor goes up several notches. She's always nagged but now she may start raging (fight) or shut down and give you the silent treatment (flight). She may become emotionally or psychologically abusive. She may want to start drinking. She may start talking about getting tattoos.
She may have an affair with Chad at work. Or she may reconnect with Tyrone from high school via social media and then start having an affair, either in person across town, or an emotional affair, long-distance.
Bottom line, this person that you thought was your wife...isn't your wife anymore.
During this bait and switch, you will enter your prime earning years. That's important because of what's about to happen next. You stand to lose everything. Well, at least more than half.
The wife's bait & switch typically occurs when the last kid leaves the home and/or when the house is finally paid for. You will do whatever you can to keep the peace because you remember signing your life away at the wedding ceremony and you have invested heavily in this woman and these kids...and the house...and the cars...and the trips...and the activities...and you don't want to lose your investment. More importantly, you don't want to lose your access and influence as your kids' dad. So you offer to go to counseling again, you read books, you talk to friends and pastors, you may even agree to bunk with one of the kids for a while or sleep on the couch, just trying to keep it together. But the boat is rapidly plunging down this hill now, and there's nothing you can do to stop it.
STAGE SEVEN: THE BIG 'D'
Your little log boat gets to the bottom of the hill...and you get soaked. Welcome to Stage 7, sir.
When your wife got quiet earlier...she didn't get quiet because things were better (like you thought). She got quiet because she was plotting her exit.
A little while past the bait & switch, your wife will say, "We need to talk." Oh, NOW she wants to talk. She might ask you to move out. She will say, "I'm not happy" and "I need space." She may tell you flat-out that she doesn't love you anymore. This supposedly Christian, tradcon wife of yours will have convinced herself that it's ok to just "fall out of love" and stab you in the back. She will tell you that the kids from the other man's seed are her true future because "they came out of my body and I knew them before I met you." She might try to trick you and claim that you two need to separate so that you can work on healing and restoration and reconciliation. Don't buy that. IF you do move out, that's essentially the last time she will talk to you. Only then will you realize that you've been had. You've been tricked. This was a plan of hers from long ago. You'll look back and start connecting the dots. And you'll get pissed off because you'll realize that she was always 5 to 7 steps ahead of you.
This is where you get introduced to mediators (who are good for nothing except to drain you of cash), attorneys (your attorneys will bleed you of cash and her attorneys will try to strip you of everything you have or hold dear) and judges (who will basically try to castrate you). Welcome to Family Court...where you lose the house that you paid for, lose access to the children that you fathered, and become an indentured servant to the feminist who used to be your wife...all because you have a penis instead of a vagina. It's all based on an outdated worldview from the 1950s when it was assumed that women would not go to college and would not enter the workforce. Well, we now know that today women outnumber men at college and in the workplace. But for some reason, the husband still has to pay. Even if the separation and divorce was 100% her idea, you will still have to pay. She doesn't have to have sex with you anymore...but you have to pay her a sizable chunk of your income for years into the future...when you didn't even want the divorce, she did. Even if she has a job or owns a business, you will still be her human ATM for a determined length of time, maybe forever. Do you see how the system is set up for women to profit from divorce, to profit by ending their families? Attorneys will antagonize, they will try to convince your wife to not agree with you, to fight you, and she may turn on the tears, completely redefine and revise your history with her and levy false accusations at you, be untruthful about her income, all to get more in the settlement, and to keep you from living with or having access to your kids. You will hear a phrase that goes like this - "I don't feel safe." She will be told by her lawyers that this is a magic phrase that will cause law enforcement to treat you like a criminal with bad intentions, when nothing could be further from the truth. She may tell your kids to use this magic phrase - "I don't feel safe" - knowing that it will only work in her favor, and she doesn't have to prove anything. Not only will you lose precious time with your kids, but you will be ordered to pay her additional money, known as child support, and she never has to account for how she spends a single penny of it. No receipts required. She can spend that money to go on a girls cruise to Cancun to get her back blown out by Chad and Tyrone if she wants to. So there you sit, soaking wet at the end of the ride, knowing that now you've got to walk around that big-ass amusement park, carrying that giant, stuffed monkey with soaking wet underwear chafing you, and with water squishing in your shoes with every step you take.
Now, you may say, "Wait, this log ride analogy doesn't hold up...because she gets wet, too." Well, sometimes she does. Usually she's lighter and sits up front so the water just goes right over the top of her. But many times...yeah, she gets wet, too. Because you know what? Despite what she thought...there are no winners in divorce. Everybody loses. But especially the kids. And your wife will not care. You can appeal to her on spiritual grounds, you can appeal to her on the basis of finances, you can appeal to her on behalf of your own offspring. And. she. just. won't. care. It will be like talking to a brick wall.
Now, gentlemen...at this point you can either pick up the pieces, go your own way, take the red pill, and experience peace and freedom...or you can just keep riding that ride with different women, hoping for a different ending. There's no shortage of single moms out there...I'm sure you can find several to team up with. You can take your chances doing this whole thing all over again. And the next wife will probably have kids. And she will lovebomb you and sex-nap you...and then the kids will rebel and the feminist will emerge and you will lose half or more of everything...AGAIN. And because of your age, it will be even more devastating. This time, you'll be too old to start a new career, too old to rebuild and replenish. You may even have to file for bankruptcy.
She will most likely marry again because women need men as providers. A few years of working and she's going to find out that feminism lied, that a job is not the end-all, be-all...that it is not the ultimate path to personal fulfillment for a woman. At that point she will either latch onto another white knight provisioner...or she may, due to her now being a wall banger with even more wrinkles and more tummy flab and more saggy bits, have no choice but to become a dog mom or cat lady. But she'll be all right because those kids from the other man's seed - the ones who might've gotten in her ear and started planting those feminist seeds years earlier, started planting those seeds of separation and divorce...they're adults now and they'll still be around to comfort her on Mother's Day and Thanksgiving and Christmas, and tell her, "You're the best Mom ever!" Yeah, well, about that: good moms realize that the most precious gift they can give to their kids is to be good to their Dad. Good moms don't destroy their families.
Sir, you can live the proverbial definition of insanity - doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result - or you can experience an awakening. Realize that "Disney love & romance" is a scam and the Brady Bunch was a lie. Stockpile money. Enjoy your downtime. Work on your relationship with God. Focus on your kids. Stay off that Blended Family Thrill Ride from hell and enjoy your life.
Do not date or marry a single mother, gentlemen. You will thank me later.